--------Can Your Relationship Be Saved?-----------
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Do you believe in life after love? Cher does, and I do too!
Hi I’m Jessica Boss, and I’m here to boss you around yet again with another video about relationships. If you find any of this helpful, please like this video and subscribe to my channel. I’m a relationship expert and I make videos about the modern dating scene. My solutions-based approach is to cut the fluff and focus on what you can do, right now, to make things better. So let’s get into it.
When we have a bad breakup it’s pretty easy to feel like it means we can never love or be loved again. But it really means the opposite. This is because if you found one person to love, you can find more, and now you’re single! The capacity for love and relationships is a learned skill and while nobody is perfect at it, the first step really is the hardest. The more you date, the easier it gets to do it again and again until you find the right person.
We don’t get just one chance. The only thing that can stop you from loving again is you.
This starts with, surprise surprise, no contact. If you’ve already cut off your ex, good. If not, do it now. You need them out of your life so you can move on. It’s a tough step but stop talking to them, texting them, looking at their instagram, everything. You can reconnect at some point down the line but while you feel like this, it’s only going to make things worse. Out of sight, out of mind isn’t necessarily true but if you’re looking at them, they’re going to be on your mind.
Next, I recommend therapy or writing. This is a great way to look at what’s causing you pain in a safe environment. Just sitting around and thinking about the breakup isn’t constructive. The benefit of therapy or writing is that it gets these feelings out of your head and makes them concrete so you can look at things more clearly and impartially. This is a key step in moving on.
When you’re exploring these avenues try to look at not just what happened by why it was so hurtful to you. Obviously having your heart broken is hard but often our pain can be magnified by the way we see ourselves, how much importance we put in relationships, and how past trauma and our upbringing affects how we relate to those we fall in love with. Figuring out the roots of our pain is hard but it can be extremely therapeutic and give us context. We can’t just magically stop feeling bad but figuring out why we’re in pain takes away some of its power.
Minimizing future pain isn’t about walling yourself off from other people. It’s really about taking an honest look at the relationship and what wasn’t working. Put aside your anger, your sadness and try to be objective. Since things are truly over and you know that you won’t get back together with this person, you have nothing to gain from self-deception or blaming. What really drove you two apart? The answer is rarely simple. Even if they ended it, you cheated, or they moved away, there are usually multiple factors at play on both sides that led to the breakup.
I want you to make a list now, without judgment. No one else has to see this list. It’s just a way to get your thoughts down on paper so you can see them. I want you to answer these questions. It can be helpful to not look at just this one relationship here but all your past relationships. This way you can see patterns forming and avoid them in the future.
This is a pattern that a lot of people get stuck in. This is because, as much as we may not like it, we need other people to survive. This is why putting up walls doesn’t work. You’re not an island. You can’t stand alone and the more you try to keep everyone out, the more vulnerable you will be when someone finally gets past your defences.
So instead of putting up walls, try to live with an open heart. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Date and interact with people who you’d otherwise completely avoid if only to see what it’s like. I think you’ll be surprised by what they’re really like. Don’t jump into anything but be open to new experiences. Try to look at every interaction like this: What can I learn from this person? This way, even if everything goes wrong, you’ll gain something positive rather than feeling like you wasted your time.
The more time you spend with people of all kinds the more you’ll find bits and pieces that you appreciate. This will make it clear to you what you really want in a partner so that when the right person comes along, you’ll be ready.